10:37 p.m. - 2006-05-10
Empty
Well the landlady served eviction notice today. The latest she can stretch it is to midnight the 16th (that's this upcoming Tuesday), and she did lower my rent to $495 from $540. It's all coming down to timing.
IF my automatic deposit works for my 2nd check and IF it goes how Twila (the woman training me at work) said, then by midnight the 15th my check will post to the bank account.
I'm alternating between feeling numb and panicking. Boyfriend's reaction was "I'm not worried" coupled with trying to reason logically with me, showing all the compassion and comfort of a rock.
I am a worrier, I know this. He knows this. But I think it disgusts or disappoints him. Something. All I know is when I could most use affection and tenderness and gentleness, I get analytical and distant advice and an occasional eye roll and sigh.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact he's not affectionate when I desperately need him to be. The baby is getting a little more appreciative of being cuddled and held, so maybe I should just focus on her.
But it's really lonely and painful in so many ways, to only have a baby to try and heap my affections on. Probably not so healthy, either.
I didn't even cry in front of him for once. I won't say he doesn't care, maybe he does. But it -seems- his only reaction is to either ignore my tears and hope they go away, or to try and methodically "fix" me like I'm some squeaking hard drive or something.
I give up on this. I'm just not the sort of person to inspire tenderness or affection. I feel wilted inside. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm just...empty.
